What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 05:00
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im still living with it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was in good health!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I write beautiful poetry .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
And i lived it daily.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
She found it foreign!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It was going to be , some day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He knew the spot.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!